If you happen to be a fan of the BBC show Luther, then you will recognize this particular blog title. They are the very last words spoken at the end of each season.
But why am I saying them? My life is literally at a crossroads. Last month my husband passed away. It wasn't unexpected, but you can never properly prepare for these types of things. He had been sick for 4 years, and both looked and felt, for the most part, asymptomatic for that whole time. The only times he felt sick was when he was feeling the side effects of the therapeutic medical treatments. In the end, he was really sick for only 3 weeks. 3 weeks is hardly long enough to get your head around the notion that the love of your life is passing away.
I spent over half my life with Eric. We were together over 25 years (we met and immediately started dating in 1991), and married for over 21 years. I loved him with every fiber of my being and I am completely heartbroken that he is no longer here with me. I also liked the shit out of that man. It was a good thing because we spent almost the last year and a half together all day, every day. So how do you go from spending every moment with someone to no longer having that person around? I have no fucking clue! I'm trying to get through this, but it is really, really fucking difficult. I find that the days are really difficult to get through. There is simply too many hours to miss him, to ruminate on why this happened, to wonder if I will ever feel "normal" again, and to think about how I will never get to see him again.
We had a pretty extraordinary love. I knew this while he was alive, but it has become so much more evident since his passing. We always knew we were on the same team, and we were pretty damn ridiculously in love with each other. What I recently found out is that we had a "Bennifer" name before that was even a thing. One of my sisters referred to us as "Catheric". How I never knew this, I have no freaking idea. We certainly didn't seem like a likely match. In fact, if I had known just how brilliant he was, it would have most likely stopped me from pursuing him in college. Eric was kinda like the internet. He knew something about everything, went to a seriously and notoriously rigorous college and followed that up with getting his PhD in electrical engineering. He was an only child who was pretty introverted, hadn't dated much, had no idea how good looking he was, had a very dry sense of humor, and always had a more serious side to him.
For those who know me, it's pretty easy to see why we seemed like a mismatched couple. Yes, I figured that we would probably be good for some shits and giggles, but I was completely unsure of if I had the ability to keep him interested in me past the hot sex. However I will say this: Eric was the only guy I ever dated where I could not predict or envision how we would break up. I even gave him an out when I found out some pretty devastating family news a fews weeks after we began dating. I let him know that I would probably not be super functional and my usual self for the next while, and that since we had only been dating a short while, I totally would understand if he didn't want to put up with my craziness. His reaction was to hold me tight and tell me that he wasn't going anywhere. At that moment I knew that shit just got real between us.
There was so much I loved about that man. He had such a good heart, was incredibly brave through out his medical treatments, made me laugh every day, looked at me so lovingly, knew how to handle all the electronics in the house, was beyond brilliant, loved his niece and nephews to bits, and was always so patient with me. Simply put, he was perfect for me. For these and so many more reasons, I am at a loss for how to put my life back together without him here.
I'm finding some solace in all of our memories and pictures. I know he will always be with me, but his passing has left the biggest hole in my being.
Let me be clear about something. I'm not writing this blog for pity. It's merely my way of trying to make sense of where I currently find myself. I guess I'm stumbling as I'm trying to figure out who I am without being 1/2 of "Catheric".
Here are some pictures of us through out the years. It's so painfully obvious to me how extraordinarily happy and in love we look.